I think I’ve finally figured out how to end global warming once and for all

I’ve been following Al Gore’s global warming hysteria with all the attention it deserves.  I’ve understood about the boiling frogs; the way he gets to fly around, live in mansions, and drive SUVS, while the rest of us don’t; and our responsibility to use only a single square of toilet paper regardless of circumstances.  I get all that.  But what I really get is that the enemy is CO2.  Bad, bad, bad CO2.  (Funnily enough, growing up, I always thought carbon monoxide was the dangerous one, considering that it can suffocate us where we lie.  Silly me.)

Our mission, should we choose to accept it, therefore, is to rid the world of CO2.  Well, I finally figured out where most of the CO2 is coming from, and I know how to get rid of it:  ban carbonated beverages.  You see, I saw a Modern Marvels episode last night about soft drinks.  Turns out they account for 30% of drink sales in the US, and they all have CO2 pumped into them for that fizzy taste Americans like.  Well, you and I all know exactly what happens when you open a soft drink — the CO2 leaves the drink and enters the atmosphere.  You can readily imagine the amount of CO2 that soft drink guzzling Americans are releasing daily into our overheated atmosphere.

If we banned soft drinks, voila! no more climate change.  Or, even better, if we proposed a ban on soft drinks, Americans might realize what a farce this whole thing and turn against Al Gore’s personal billion dollar boondoggle once and for all.